"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his partner Andrew 'Kiki' Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

9) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Yikes

8) "So I peered into the tube . . ." I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

7) A gerbil named Raggot sounds like a gerbil named F*ggot.

6) Having your nose broken by a gerbil shot out of someone's anal passage. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's netherworld.

5) People walking around with volcanic-like pockets of gas in their bowels.

4) People who do this kind of thing then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have first made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac fiends breaking into my house, set Raggot on fire, and shoved him up my butt before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just couldn't even fathom looking a doctor in the eyes and saying: "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot, and we took this cardboard tube, and . ."

3) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Constipation must feel like a soothing remedy to this guy's butt now. How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And I might add that the smell of burning anus must be one of the top five most horrible odors on the face of this earth.

2) People named "Kiki" which evidently is a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic man who inserts rodents into his butt. "Oh yeah: Armageddon? He shouts "Armageddon" when his friend shoves a chisel-toothed rodent too far up his passage! Sick, perverted freaks. In my mind, Armageddon is an understatement!

1) A hospital held a press conference to publicize this event. That hurts your social life...Wait, what kinda hospital is this?